#gaslighting #narcissist #abuse
In this video Psychologist Dr. Becky Spelman offers her expertise on the abusive tactic of gaslighting which is most commonly used by Narcissists.
This video is about Gaslighting and if you watch through to the end Dr. Becky will tell you what to do if anyone ever tries to gaslight you.
Topics covered in this video:
Where does the term gaslighting come from?
What is gaslighting?
Common gaslighting techniques (Withholding, Countering, Forgetting/Denial, Blocking/Diversion and Trivializing)
Why do people gaslight others?
Why do narcissists gaslight people?
Parenting styles linked to people who go on to gaslight.
How parents gaslight their children.
Gaslighting in families.
How Therapists can gaslight people.
Who are victims of gaslighting?
Where is gaslighting most effective?
Gaslighting and domestic abuse.
Gaslighting and the law.
How to prevent gaslighting.
How to deal with gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that’s seen in abusive relationships. It’s the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity.
The abuser sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual’s mind making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment. Essentially they are being denied what they have seen with their own eyes and know to be true.
Gaslighting behaviour is the result of childhood trauma. Parenting styles linked to developing narcissist personality or narcissistic traits are as follows: neglecting the child emotionally and also cold over-controlling authoritarian parenting. Also over indulging them such as spoiling them with privilege and possessions and promoting entitled attitudes. Or parenting with promotes perfectionism, winning and toughness from a child.
So basically it’s a combination of abuse or neglect along with behaviors that might make a child feel special or entitled and this inconsistent parenting which can lead to developer traits of narcissism. Because of the abusive environment, the child received a message that they are not safe to be vulnerable with other people so the person feels they need to wear a mask at all times which is a psychological defense to feeling vulnerable.
Who is most vulnerable to gaslighting behaviour?
Gaslighting works best when someone is most vulnerable and where intimate relationships are unequal.
How to prevent gaslighting
The first step is to be aware of your own role in being gaslight, the ways in which your own behaviour, desires, and view of the abuser may be leading you to idealize your gaslighter and seek his approval from them.
How to deal with gaslighting.
See the gaslighting, recognizes it for what it is, hold on to your reality don’t let this be swayed by the abuser, don’t try to fight for what you know as the abuser will never agree with you and it’s better to step away and protect yourself rather than they stay and fight as your feelings will not be respected.
Please share an example of when you have been gaslighted.
Instagram: @drbeckyspelman
Dr. Becky Spelman is a top Psychologist in London, Becky is the Clinic Director for Private Therapy Clinic which has clinic’s based all around central London including; Harley Street, Wigmore Street, Bank, Earls Court & Canary Wharf. Becky uses Psychodynamic Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and Mindfulness to treat a range of difficulties with a particular interest in Borderline Personality Disorder and the difficulties that go with this condition such as relationship difficulties, anxiety, depression, low-self esteem, social anxiety, fear of public speaking, fear of intimacy, interpersonal difficulties, anger, body image issues, eating disorders and addictions.
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Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used by people to control and confuse their partner in a relationship. In this type of behavior, the abuser will deliberately twist the truth to make their partner question their own sanity and perception of reality. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, and it can have devastating effects on a person’s mental health.
Gaslighting can be difficult to identify at first, as the abuser may appear charming and likable on the surface. However, there are some signs and examples to look out for, particularly when dealing with narcissistic gaslighting. Here are some of the most common signs of gaslighting in a relationship:
1. Denial of the truth: One of the most common tactics of narcissistic gaslighting is to deny the truth. An abuser will repeatedly tell their partner that they are wrong or mistaken, even if they know that their partner is right.
2. Blaming the victim: In gaslighting, the abuser will often blame their partner for the problems in the relationship. They may accuse them of being overly emotional or irrational, when in fact, it is the abuser who is causing the problems.
3. False accusations: Gaslighters will often make false accusations against their partner, such as accusing them of cheating or being dishonest. These accusations are meant to make their partner feel guilty and ashamed, and to deflect attention away from their own behavior.
4. Withholding information: Another common tactic of gaslighters is to withhold information from their partner. They may refuse to answer questions or provide vague answers, which can leave their partner feeling confused and uncertain.
5. Isolation: Gaslighters often isolate their partners from family and friends, making it difficult for their partner to get support or validation from others.
6. Gaslighters may use inconsistent or contradicting information to further confuse their partner. They may even use facts to “prove” that their partner is delusional or mentally ill.
7. Gaslighting can also involve the projection of their own insecurities or flaws onto their partner. For example, a gaslighter may accuse their partner of being controlling when it is, in fact, the gaslighter who is controlling.
If you believe that you are being gaslighted in a relationship, it is important to seek help from a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and can have serious consequences on a person’s mental health. It is essential to seek help and support to break free from the cycle of abuse and regain your sense of self.
Nice call to prayer at 2:05
Medical doctors gaslight patients frequently.
The sad part about all these toxic manipulations and narcissism is that it's always the man. The examples are always the guy, these psychologist even go as far as to say "common with men" and yet in real life you cannot come across a single guy who is not of the view that women are manipulative in general.
It's so bad like we have accepted them as they are but have gone as far as to twist things on systematic level and attach it to men. I mean it was not even worth discussing but now that they are on this campaign to attach men's view on women at the males and make it a problem.
It is so bad that you offer love and attention to women and they just want to take it their own way.
And yet you wonder why none of the psychologists and therapist cannot help anybody, they just subscribe people to pills till infinity.
It's amazing how many people think an Issue that requires wisdom to solve can be solved with intelligence and so you have a lot of these qualified children discussing matters beyond their wisdom. You cannot purchase wisdom.
The proof is there, people's mental health is getting worse and there are more and more professionals to assist and yet results are going the opposite direction and these "qualified children" have all the excuse in the world about why the failing to do what the paid to be able to do.
she should have said fok off – I hate most red wines – they give me a headache and this shite restaurant you took me to doesn't have any good red wines on their wine list as far as I can see ; P
Jordan Peterson is a classic narcissist, gaslighting huge numbers of vulnerable men in particular. He foments hatred of women in his followers alongside a sense of entitlement, victimhood and deprivation. Sad to watch.
God, decades of countering, denying, diverting, trivialising, "Nobody knows you better than I do," Brutal. Every time we saw a marriage therapist, four in total, triangulation and gaslighting on steroids. But he did all of the above withOUT putting me down. Maybe between the lines, but not overtly. He did, it turns out, do things to make me crazy/feel like I was going crazy, like breathing. However, I've always had a first class brain, top of my class, etc., so I was hard to gaslight. I actually worried about him, thought HE had Alzheimer’s [ran in the family] and urged him over several years to get checked out, LOL. That pissed him off. Just an observation, imho, but steak? maybe the red/white wine dude had a point…Altho I will drink red with seafood, so this disqualifies me as an arbiter of all things wine.
I get gaslit everyday he tries to deny my reality my telling me things never happened from my past or accusing me of lying about something I'm not just lots of it he also always does that says no you don't think that way no you don't feel that way
The Money example.. oh my god. This happens on so many fronts… not just with money..
I wanted tips to shut a gaslighter down. This was more an explanation of what gaslighting is. Please do a video on how to shut down gaslighting. Thank you for a clear concise video though
Watching this is an awakening for me. My own daughter is gaslighting me constantly. Lies and denies, then it's because of me she has to lie. So my feelings, my hurt about what is happening is invalid I'm not allowed to have feelings. Next it is to divert to rip me apart as a mum and on and on. Brings up my past abuse by my father, whom I removed from our lives when my children were young, to accuse me of alsorts amongst that I'm still messed in my hea about my past abuse when I'm not. God I don't even know who I am anymore.
Excellent description of different types of gaslighting. Thank you.
"You need help." "YOU'VE always been a liar." "I don't know why you think I'm anything other than the loving father I am." "We're done here", especially when I start to say things he doesn't want to talk about. That's all my son's father. He's been gaslighting me for 16 years. He also says that I don't know what gaslighting is and I should go look it up. He thinks it's only one thing, not many examples of a theme. He tries to make me feel badly that he talks to our son's teachers, and It makes me nervous to do that. Ive taken care of literally everything else for our son since birth and he does this one aspect and acts like he's doing the one and only thing that matters!! That everything else I do it nothing. He's been a real joy to try to co parent with. He's so toxic, I have to expose my self to this unhealthy behavior for our son.
Usually by then you are already trauma bonded
I wasn’t even allowed to breathe funny. Amazing how in tune he was when he wanted to be .
My husband rewrites events so he’s always winning. I retell a story and he will change it to make himself the hero. It’s really screwed me up, I’ve been with him for decades. I have wondered if I’m crazy. I am going to stop it. I can’t live out the rest of my marriage like this. I don’t want my daughter to see this. Thank you.
Your a fox but as a victim of narcissism for thirty years or more I directly relate to your wisdom and insight. Its insidious, subtle and devastating. They identify strong people with the view and belief that they, the narc, will subdue them and make you worship them. I can tell you as an authentic person, its fucking pathetic. Forgive me, going through the stages of grief, loss and confusion, take care
As soon as someone gaslight you. Your in a presence with a liar. They cannot be trusted. Personally if I cannot trust you. I do not need or want you in my life period. A liar has zero ability to live you because they can't even love themselves or God. If they not afraid to lie and be a liar and knowing that the word of God says lying is evil and God hates it and that unrepentant liars go to hell. But they keep doing it. This person is a devil. No empathy and they will hurt you. No healthy relationship can take place with a liar period. And if they'll lie about little things they'll lie about big things. If they'll lie to you they'll also steal from you. They see you as a piece of meat (supply an object, Money Energy Attention and Time) they are spiritual vampires and want to feed on you to feel good about themselves and control you via lies and manipulation which is witchcraft which makes them evil witches. They are not right with God. Any time abuse happens you need to walk away. An apology without change is only manipulation and and manipulative people are evil. See them for what they are and get past the cognitive dissonance and stop tolerating wickedness. If you accept disrespect you do not have self respect or a strong moral and ethical compass. To hate evil is to love God and only way to overcome lies is with the truth. Someone does evil to you that makes them evil. You are a victim if unprovoked evil is being done to you. You have to fight back and or get away from them. People not of integrity are controllers. ..if someone lies. Then they are a liar. If someone steals then they are a theif. If someone kills people they are a murder if someone is a porn star they are a whoremonger. What a person does is what defines them. Yes anyone can change. If they stop doing evil then they aren't evil anymore. There is forgiveness with God if they genuinely repent which requires having guilt and remorse and acknowledgement of good and evil and wanting to change. If it walks like a duck talks like a duck acts like a duck it's a duck. Judge righteously. Do I look down on mean evil wicked people that hurt and abuse others? Damn right I do. Do I think I'm better than a Satanist? Damn right I do. A manipulator will use manipulative empathy to get you to play the devils advocate and get a foothold in your life so they can abuse and exploit you. They are selfish egotistical people that will corrupt you abuse you and destroy you if you let them. They are ruthless and have no compassion or empathy and prey on one's that do in sick twisted sadistic way they actually take pleasure in people's pain but even they don't like being treated by others the way they treat others. I'm sick of manipulators and narcs and sociopaths and psychos yes I'm better than them. I don't do what they do. And yes before I knew Jesus I had alot of narcissism in me. Jesus saves sin makes slaves. Abuse does give one low self esteem and often leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms trauma bonds and codependency. You do have to wake up and fight the good fight and recognize good from evil. Lies from truth. Evil people will say they love you and destroy you. Pay close attention to actions and words. Ya play the devils advocate you will become a devil too. Contempt is a healthy emotion. To hate evil is to love God. ❤️
So basically gaslighting is a way to create, control and propagate a person, or group to accept, believe in and live according to a false or augmented reality for the purpose of self promoting their feelings of acceptance, or their position of power or their worldview in the relationship
Thankyou for this. i have a gaslighting farther and have been off work for 5months with stress until just the other day something clicked. i started to think about al the putdowns. Point of view not being relivent,making jokes at my expense. my siblings are deep under his spell so have had to cut contact with them to and i haven't sleeped in 2 days because im more furious about what has happened to me and how i didn't discover what the games he was playing were. i am actually having very dark thoughts atm but i hope they will pass. i deffo need therapy
So what is it called when said person plays the victim or martyr (ie "I can't seem to do anything right.", "I should just go away.", "It's okay, I can find myself something to eat.") and at the same time keeping you in check? For example, if one decides to stay home from work, the other person questions the other person's motives. "Aren't you going to work today?" "Don't you feel well?", "Is your boss going to be okay with that?", "Are you sure you have enough time to cover your absence?" Or, let's say you are giving someone a gift, the other person asks, "Are you sure they're even going to like it?", "What if they want to return it?", "Do you have the gift receipt?", "Are you sure you can afford that?" Or when they point out things they think you did wrong but still think they're doing you a favour, such as, "Did you mean to leave the light on last night in the hallway?", "When I got up this morning. I noticed you didn't lock the front door.", "You forgot to take your lunch with you this morning and left it on the counter. So I put it in the fridge for you."
All of this doesn't sound like it's coming from a place of compassion, especially with a tone of voice. It sounds more like a parent speaking to a child.
I always considered this a sort of gaslighting. Oops.
A therapist I saw., Was soo hard, Stern and Shouted at me.. My first visit to speak to her. I never went BACK!
I’ve been Gas lit, Stone Walled, LIED to/ Verbally Abused/ HUGE aggressiveness/ and physically abused. AFTER looking after his family and parents for 0ver 25yrs/ BEING his on tap Hotel.. He Traveled the world/ Business and Pleasure/ I stayed at home..
ADHD and Covert Narcissist Personified! I watched HIS father do this to his Mother!
She was a Grandiose Narc! I’ve been discarded age 60.. little Support!
n the film the husband does not dim the light in there home. it is only when he is in his rented house a few doors down and turns on his gas does her gas dim for a second.
You've been gaslighted and you don't even know It. One example – should corporations pay taxes? Answer – 99 percent of the people I've asked have said yes.
If you were a corporation and produced a product that cost you $1 and you wanted a dollar profit, what would you sell it for? $2. Then the govt steps in and says that we are going to make those mean old corporations pay their fair share, so they tax you $1. Now it costs you $2 to produce your product and you still want $1 profit. What do you sell it for ? $3.
The huge corporations build in the tax, you and I pay it. The poor are devastated by it because they are the ones who can afford the least. Mom and Pop can't raise their prices to cover the tax, so they go out of business. Mom and Pop and the people who used to work for them, now are out of work and the only work they can get is for the huge corporation. The people essentially become slaves to the corporations all because people haven't spent the energy to add 1 + 1 + 1.
I am not a Donald Trump fan, in fact I can’t tell you what I would like to do to him for fracking. Unlike someone who has been gaslighted, I don’t make my decision on whether I like an employee’s (he is our employee) personality. I make my decisions one policy at a time. Donald Trump was trying to stop this practice of our government and the massive international corporations from enslaving all of us.
This is only one example of tons of policies that Donald Trump was trying to do away with. But instead of applying your gaslighting techniques to the politicians and the international opinion news (that’s all they are is opinion. Remember this is a technique gaslighters do). If anybody wants to know more about how the politicians and international corporations are trying to gaslight everyone, you know how to contact me.
I cannot believe that an intelligent learned person like yourself would make your decision based on whether you like the person’s personality or not. Perhaps you are letting the corporate opinion news make the decision for you. Wake up before you give away the greatest civilization that has ever existed – America. Doesn’t this sound like something someone would say to an abused person?
I see the diversion on social media a lot, like on Reddit someone will post something and someone else will piggyback off of it. My mother in law will lie to Cps or to other relatives about us and when my husband calls her out on it she says I don’t know what you’re talking about or deny it. His sister just flat out lies
Wow I was going to subscribe and like the video until you made that comment about Donald Trump. Give me one example of Donald Trump trying to gaslight the American people where you can give me definitive information that he was wrong and knew he was wrong and then I'll like and subscribe because I know that you can't. And I'm not just some f**** idiot commenting on your YouTube videos I'm a political science major so I know what you're saying is false.
So yesterday me and my girlfriend went to a Mexican restaurant drive-thru. My girlfriend has had her bladder removed because of past issues with gallstones or something and cannot eat steak or tough meat. So yesterday when she ordered food the first thing she orders was a garnet asada burrito, what she hasn't ate since she was 18, she is 42 and I am 35. I totally forgot that she couldn't eat the car until the burrito so I didn't say anything and I proceeded to order my burrito which was a al pastor chicken burrito. When we got home she asked me where's my burrito babe, I had gave her the burrito she ordered carne asada and then she says no babe I did not order carne asada I ordered the el pastor burrito. I told her no baby you ordered the Garnett saw the burrito and I ordered the burrito de pastor, she then brought a Bible verse up and said that no greater love than this than one lay himself down for a friend and that if I would be willing to switch her burritos, me take the carne asada and her eat the al pastor burrito. I told her no, then later said she asked if we can share, she ended up making a sandwich and I was going to go back to the restaurant an order another al pastor burrito for me. She then got very upset and said not to leave and that she is fine with the sandwich, she told me just to throw the other burrito away (most people would have said save it and put it in the fridge you can either let it later). I tried to bring up to her attention was she had said and she got very very upset and angry. This happened several times at one time I was with my son and we went to McDonald's and me and my son order food, she told me what she wanted to order. When we got done she said babe where's my hash brown and I told her you didn't order a hash brown or asked me to get you a hash brown and my son was in the car and my son even said you didn't tell my dad anything. Again she puts it to get angry and upset and whenever I try to touch base on this issue of possible miscommunication or even hey babe what's going on why are you doing this, she makes it seem as though I am the bad guy, unloving and display no Grace torture.
Today is September 14th 2022, I met her October 31st 2021. I finally found the strength and courage to leave. It was hard because when we had our good moments it was wonderful and great and felt like I could spend the rest of my life with her, but when she's had a moments like this or moments of manipulation, which are many as well, I knew I should leave. I am finally gone and I pray for her and I wish her the best.
-D
I had the bad experience of a nurse Practitioner, she talked to me via the internet, she was in Florida and I was in southern Colorado. She tried to medicate me with bad drugs. For Bi-polar. Drugs with serious side effects. She left a nasty message on my doctor's answering machine. People wake up if you have PTSD these nurses are killing people. They need more education, like at least a doctor's degree in nursing . Which My so called Dr. Nurse Had No doctorate in nursing ! I'm in southern Colorado .
It is sometimes hard to know how to navigate a Narcissist's techniques when you are under contractual obligation to deliver something the narcissist has to create. So even if you are not emotionally attached in the same way as you might be in a romantic or family relationship, you are still attached by obligation through a professional promise. It is often hard to get the balance right finding a way to stand firm, yet not compromise things in such a way that you are liable to be sued. This is often very hard to navigate when you work with artists (who are often NPD).
Really you don't have to learn anything about it just know the people you are dealing with are too stupid to ever do better and turn your back forever on their games their flip flopping and their false facades it's all they will ever be
Narcs vamping your energy in slavery
"I don't want to argue" or "I'm not gonna argue with you" or "I'm not gonna fight with you" whenever concept of conversation aimed at peaceful resolution comes up." Withholding, yes.
Thank you for this video. Now I know that every single time I’ve ever heard someone use this term it was incorrect
We talked for 6 MONTHS about moving to a different state, I asked for his preferences again and again. I told him again and aging my job is based on contracts that are signed once a year within a six week period. He said he was fine with anywhere. I flew for job interviews to different states. Was offered several jobs. I was told to take the one that worked best. I kept asking if he was sure! He said yes a million times. They didn’t pay well in the state I had moved to be with him (he couldn’t manage without me. So he said) I gave it 2 full years and went into debt to stay. So I took a job, he still calls once a week yelling at me that I abandoned him, I left him. He tells me it’s my fault he’s sad, depressed. I’m a terrible person and sprang this on him. We had talked about it everyday for 6 months. I ran everything by him. Talked about opportunities, states, pros and cons and he has rewritten the entire 4 years we where together.
I feel like Joe Biden gaslighted us when he said he was going to build back better. It’s gotta a lot worse and expensive. Repent you sinners
the random athan at 2:04 kinda nice to hear it out of the blue haha
I really needed to view this today, thank you.
@2:06 is that the Muslim call to prayer? Sounds so beautiful.
until 14:15 there is a pretty loud undertone, just fyi.
I feel empty from all the abuse i been through and i have cptsd
Wow. I had just recently been broken up with by my girlfriend of 2 years. We had lived together the whole time and we always fought and broke up and she would kick me out time and time again. After watching this video, she literally did every single one of these things to me. Used all the phrases and everything. And then would always say, “Everything would be find if you just apologized.” And I would always say, I’m sorry that I did this/said that to you, however I only did because of what you did/said to me first. And she would freak out and be like, “That’s not an apology. You don’t get to say sorry I did this but I only did it because you did this first. She would be like that is you never admitting that you are wrong. She would get mad and freak out and throw my stuff out and call me all types of names and just do the most. And I would always stay extremely calm and just try to reason with her and have a rational conversation until after hours I would reach my breaking point, which wasn’t even nearly the level she would get to. I would just say you are so annoying to deal with, or you make me so pissed off. Like that was the worst I’d ever do. And that would be what she would cling to. Disregard everything that happened prior to that and would just be like, “Well I deserve better and I don’t want to be with somebody that calls me annoying or crazy or says that I make them miserable.” So if you want things to work out you need to apologize for calling me those names. Finally the last time that she broke up with me, I had no contact with her for a week and she called me trying to get back together and wanted an apology so that we could move on and work things out. And it broke me. It took everything out of me not to tell her whatever she wanted to hear just so I could have her back. But I didn’t. I said no. Not this time. And then she was like wow so you obviously never loved me. You obviously never cared about me because I’m giving you an opportunity right now to fix things and you wont do it. So you obviously never cared and don’t want to be with me. And that hurt the most. Because I loved this woman more than I had ever loved anybody in my life. And I just wanted her to know that, but I couldn’t get back with her again. No matter how much I wanted to. And for her to then take that as a sign of how much I didn’t love her. It just broke me. She blocked me on everything and its been almost a month now since the breakup. And to wrap this whole thing up, upon discovering this video, it made everything so clear to me as to what was actually going on the whole time in my relationship and gave me reassurance that maybe I wasn’t the whole problem like she made me believe. I had no idea what gaslighting was before this video. And this is how I know God is good and has a plan for all of us…You’ll never believe that this whole relationship, the name of the apartment complex that we lived in, was literally called Gaslight Apartments. I can not make this up
what about workplace?
I have been rejoicing ever since I got rid of my genital herpes with the herbs supplement I ordered from Dr. IGUDIA on YouTube. God almighty continue to bless you sir
24:06 Yes