Samuel discuses an important recovery tool for those who deal with anger in repair work.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery’s Survivors’ Blog, He participated in Affair Recovery’s courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing….(read more)
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It can be a difficult and overwhelming experience when your spouse is raging in anger. It often feels like there is nothing you can do to calm them down and the situation can escalate quickly. But it’s important to remember that there are things that you can do to help your spouse and protect yourself.
Firstly, it’s important to stay calm and not react in anger. This can be difficult when someone is yelling and being aggressive, but responding in anger will only make the situation worse. Instead, try to keep a level head and speak in a calm and sympathetic tone. Let your spouse know that you understand that they’re upset and that you want to help them.
It’s also important to listen actively to your spouse. Sometimes, all someone needs is to feel heard and understood. Let your spouse express their feelings and emotions, and try to empathize with them. Even if you don’t agree with what they’re saying, it’s important to validate their feelings.
If possible, try to remove yourself and your spouse from the situation. If you’re at home, suggest taking a walk or going to a different room. If you’re out in public, try to find a quiet place where you can talk calmly. Removing yourself from the situation will help to decrease the tension and allow both of you to calm down.
If your spouse is physically violent or threatening, it’s important to prioritize your safety. If you’re not able to leave the situation, try to create space between yourself and your spouse. Stay in a room with a closed door or move to a corner where you can’t be trapped. Call for help if you feel threatened or unsafe.
Seeking professional help is another option if your spouse’s anger is an ongoing issue. A therapist or counselor can help your spouse to better manage their anger and provide strategies for communicating more effectively. Couples therapy may also be beneficial in improving your relationship and addressing any underlying issues.
In conclusion, dealing with a spouse who is raging in anger can be a challenging situation. However, by staying calm, actively listening, removing yourself from the situation, prioritizing safety, and seeking professional help, you can work through this difficult period together. Remember to take care of yourself and prioritize your own well-being, as well as your spouse’s.
Ok, there's no unfaithfulness on both sides. She still rages on and gets angry for no reason. She raged at me on Christmas eve and Christmas. She has depression, anxiety, and ADHD. Do these conditions give her an excuse to make my life a living hell? We are going to counseling in January but she makes it sound like this is all my fault. I'm excited to go to counseling so I can find out what it is that grinds her gears about me. I think I'll use that time-out strategy. Might be using it every day sometimes more than once. Thanks for your perspective.
I’m having a problem with this
I am the betrayed spouse
And one minute we are doing ok
And the next s trigger hits
I start asking questions
I get more angry
Then I start transmitting my pain in ways of shaming her, or calling her names, raising my voice to much.
And all the things I say I don’t always mean but in my moments of anger they come out
What are ways I can not transmit my pain in a negative way towards my spouse
you should do videos on when a spouse has an affair with a coworker, however they ended it but still work together!
My husband witholds emotional love. I'm devastated. He says he loves me but there is no emotions or connection. We fight all the time. I'm lost. Can he love me but show no emotion, no intimacy, no physical contact?
Thank you so much for all of your videos. This is something we still need to get the hang of! I was wondering if you have any advice for couples who are reconciling, but the AP keeps attempting to make contact by appearing at places of work, on routes home, etc. Thank you!
This is so great–deep, important, necessary–and I love that you can present it with humor and the seriousness that it deserves. Thank you.
I wish she'd watch this, but it's dreaming. She abuses the time out protocol I'd say like you wouldn't believe, I don't know if she was unfaithful, but there so many time outs it's gotten so bad I think it's close to over if something doesn't change. Good video though man thank you for it.
Its been a year, i left after i discovered my husband was cheating as if that wasn't bad enough i was humiliated for the other woman (he basically trying to be with both) he today still insist on getting us back…hes lied so much i don't trust or believe anything he says…with that being said i dealing with alot of anger, anxiety, depression, but mostly anger im having trouble controling my and i don't see any reconciliation happening on my end
This is what we’ve been going through…it is a horrible merry go round…
I'm presuming you mean vile? It sounds like vital when you talked about abusing it. I do feel that the unfaithfuls would abuse it a lot especially in the early days? I know at about 3 months in my unfaithful spouse snapped and was really nasty. We were walking in the dark. He felt and I think still does that he's apologised and has ceased all contact. Done individual and marital therapy etc etc but I still feel we are stuck. We not long after that outbreak found a better couples therapist but I do feel a lot of the time because in the uk there isn't really infidelity therapist we still have a way to go. Don't get me wrong she has been fantastic but I still feel unheard and stuck. We are much better now from the point of view we used to literally talk about it as soon as the kids were in bed until the early hours but yeah some very good points. – on a side note while I know it's a long time in reconciliation for you and Samantha, I do love how you can really tell you regret everything you did and how much she is your life. The perfection comment was lovely.
This is a great tool to use by both WS and BS. We are 18 months into recovery and this was a valuable thing to learn to do. This was not something that you can just flip a switch and put into action immediately because in the beginning emotions are all over the map. Me, being the BS, I made a rule for myself, that if during a conversation I felt I was spinning out of control and wanted to throw my husband out into the cold, or I had crazy thoughts of doing something terrible to get even (which was a lot!) I would place my phone on a timer for 2 hours, and take a time out. I would walk away and tell him I am enacting the 2-hour rule and time out, and then when my timer would go off, I would reassess if I really wanted to do or say what I wanted to before. This gave me a chance to lower my racing heart and racing thoughts (if only a little bit) and, even though I was still angry or hurt, almost always it had a positive effect on my mental health. Samuel, this was a wonderful video this week, and I agree that this can be a very helpful tool for recovery.
Thank you for this topic.